Girl Scout Cookies, Ranked

There she was, outside the bank, hanging out with five or six of her friends. She was young and had that fresh-faced All-American look about her. And as I approached, she hit me right in the face and the ears with…

“EXCUSEMESIR?WOULDYOULIKETOBUYABOXOFCOOKIESANDSUPPORTGIRLSCOUTS?”

I quickly checked my heart rate and told the girl I would, just as soon as I got done inside the bank. While all I did was make a small deposit, I should have drained my account, because the box of cookies I bought cost $5.

Like pitchers and catchers reporting for Spring Training, Girl Scouts suddenly just show up out of nowhere in February and report to work. One day, and you never quite sure when that day is, they are everywhere: Outside of grocery stores, at the exits of train and subway stations and on just about every street corner imaginable. In fact, where I work, the hobos even know well enough to clear out when they see the green sash-wearing cookie pushers set up shop.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against Girl Scouts. Of course I bought a box. Why not? My daughters Little Sis and her big sister Maddo might want to join the Girl Scouts soon. And if they do, I hope I get a parental discount on their cookies because, even at $5 a box, I love Girl Scout cookies.

But not all Girl Scout cookies.

Like a lot of things in the world—beer, sports, countries—there are some things that are better than others. And that applies to Girl Scout cookies as well. Some cookies are worth every penny of their price; others should just be ground up and added to cement for binding purposes. So, as a dad with two daughters who might be selling these cookies one day, I think it’s best I take on the task of ranking the current batches of Girl Scout cookies from top [Mom Might Have Made These] to bottom [Feed Only To The Local Birds Because You Hate Them].

1.  Tagalongs

This should come as no surprise to anyone who has even half a brain. A layer of chocolate covering a layer of peanut butter on top of some kind of mystery cookie. Could be asbestos for all I know or care because it is awesome and All-American.

2.  Thin Mints

Many would like to put this all-chocolate-with-a-whiff-of-mint selection at No. 1, but they would be wrong. It’s a good cookie, but it always disappoints a bit, just like anything with mint that isn’t a Shamrock Shake. You eat a couple, set the rest aside, and three weeks later you realize you have a box full of miniature hockey pucks in your cupboard. Still, it’s not bad and goes well with coffee. Or a Shamrock Shake.

3. Do-Si-Dos

These combine two great things: An oatmeal cookie surrounding a peanut butter center. But, like the Thin Mint, it disappoints a bit this time because there is no chocolate in the cookie. The best cookies regardless of who makes them are chocolate chip or have chocolate in them, and automatically score higher than anything else. You know I’m right.

4. Dulce de Leche

The Girl Scout website says these cookies are “inspired by the classic Latin American confection,”which is better than having something inspired by a churro. The Girl Scout website also says these cookies “are packed not only with milk caramel chips, but with learning.” I was wondering what that mystery taste was.

5. Lemonades

Lemonade is awesome. Most things with lemon in them are awesome. Ergo, lemonade-flavored cookies are awesome, too. You may call that “Rex’s Awesome Lemon Logic Law.”

6. Savannah Smiles

This is a tricky one, as these are “zesty lemon-flavored”cookies, and as I just mentioned, “most things with lemon in them are awesome.” But these are also covered in powder and eating anything with powder on it risks getting that powder all over your face and making you look like you do quality control for a Mexican cocaine cartel. Good tasting, but potential bad times.

7. Trefoils

Do you know what a “trefoil” is? Neither did I, until I looked it up on Wikipedia, which is, of course, the source of any and all reliable Internet knowledge. It’s a “three-leaved plant”, and design applied to other symbols of three-fold shape. Just like the image on the Girl Scout website of the three Girl Scouts that have had their heads eaten off by someone dying for some of that trefoil shortbread goodness.

8. Thanks-A-Lot

Apparently, you can get “Thank You” embossed on these shortbreads in a variety of languages. They bother me because the fudge on the bottom of the cookie always melts on my thumb before I can finish the thing.

9. Thank U Berry Much

Things are getting a little dicey here at the bottom. Do we really need cranberries in everything these days? I’m surprised I haven’t been to a restaurant with a cranberry-coated ribeye, yet. However, what bothers me more is the use of the letter “U” for the word you. Only Prince should B allowed 2 do something like that.

10. Mango Crème

This is where we begin to really fall off the cliff, and that’s because of the use of coconut with the next two cookies. Nothing good ever came from putting coconut into anything and that includes using cream of coconut in a Piña Colada—The Official Drink of Puerto Rico since 1978!

11. Samoas

For some reason, the Girl Scout website says selling this taste travesty helps a Scout learn “the importance of keeping her word, doing the right thing, and being fair.” The cookie is covered in coconut, and the thought of eating coconut makes me want to hurt myself. The right, fair thing to do with these would be to not sell them at all.

And by the time I have to set up a Girl Scout cookie-selling table with my daughters, I promise to keep my word and do just that.

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