We all have issues.
Might as well admit it right now. All of us have those things that set us off. Even someone as awesome as I believe myself to be. As I’ve said here, I hate littering, being late for anything and anyone who makes more money than me, except for Seattle Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez. Any one of these is capable of setting me off on an ISIS-like jihad of furious seething and anger.
Yet, I have to admit that in the Grand Scheme of things, these matters really aren’t that big a deal. It’s not like I, say, have to take dialysis daily, or live in Haiti, where half the country is buried under the rubble of an earthquake and the other half resides in voodoo-inspired squalor. And I also am fortunate enough to not have the local ISIS brigade for my next door neighbors. These issues, and most of those we face in America, really fall under the category of First World Problems.
But…Try telling that to a four-year-old.
Because nobody has First World Problems like a four-year-old. And I can safely say that no four-year-old loses her mind over First World Problems like my four-year-old daughter, Little Sis.
I could easily write a story a day about all the ways my little girl can go from being the most adorable darling in recorded history to a hurricane of insanity simply because her big sister, Maddo, won’t let her watch the iPad. Never mind that the reason Maddo didn’t want to share the iPad was because Little Sis has just pinched her for some reason that I didn’t even try to understand.
With all this in mind, I decided to keep track of the times Little Sis experienced a First World Problem on a recent Saturday. The examples are staggering in their simplicity to her, and mind-boggling in their ridiculousness to me.
First World Problem No. 1: We went to see the “chocolate milk cow” first at the Little Farm instead of going to the “‘useum”…What she calls the “museum”.
First World Problem No. 2: Maddo getting out of the tub before her.
First World Problem No. 3: Being served Daddy’s real, homemade, “famous” popcorn instead of some microwave crap.
First World Problem No. 4: Having to walk all of three blocks to get Chinese food from Little Shin Shin, which is regularly voted the best Chinese food in Oakland.
First World Problem No. 5: Not getting dessert while Maddo did. It should be noted that Maddo had eaten her entire dinner while Little Sis slept through the meal, then woke up demanding dessert.
You can see how catastrophic each of these events were. I told Little Sis that if these were the worst things she ever had to face in life, then she had a pretty smooth road ahead of her. Needless to say, every one of these resulted in a completely unnecessary amount of crying, wailing, stomping, storming around and many kicks to my midsection on the part of Little Sis.
And then there was the amount of crying, wailing, stomping and storming around that I did as well. If I could, I probably would have kicked myself in the midsection.
But that would have made drinking my conciliatory bottle of Kona Big Wave Golden Ale so much harder to do. And I really didn’t want to spill any of that.